My doctor favours Paleo so I’ve been reading that a lot lately. Lots of protein, except dairy. Eggs and meat, except smoked meats. Vegetables, except starchy ones, no potato, corn, kumera. Beets? Best not. Avoid coconut water but cook with coconut oil. Lots of salad, except GMO vegetables. Fish, except farmed fish and those at the top of the fish food chain, which probably contain more mercury. Water to drink and some herbal teas. It’s like living in a golden castle and not being able to sit on the furniture. At least for me, my doctor can’t understand why.

Adherents of Paleo say it’s the way our ancestors ate. This would be more convincing if most of their research wasn’t done in Northern Europe during the Ice Age. If they had taken the peoples of North Western America as their dietary models would we all be eating lots of shellfish today? Would they be highlighting the benefit of oysters (lots of zinc)? Would they be researching the positive value that mussels add to the diet rather than beef and ignoring possible problems?

Proponents of Paleo claim you’re better off burning fat for energy, than sugar. Sugar causes inflammation which leads to diabetes and heart disease. Inflammation causes plaque to build up inside your arteries, which make them narrower, and when the plaque breaks arteries can be obstructed, blood stops flowing and the heart can stop working, or the brain.

The body uses cholesterol to fix the areas of broken plaque which is why doctors are concerned with the amount of cholesterol in the body. Some see it as a sign that lots of plaque needs lots of fixing. Paleo people don’t, because if you’re not eating sugar, your arteries aren’t inflamed and so there isn’t any plaque. Cholesterol has lots of other uses in the body and lots of hormones are synthesized with cholesterol as the base. Like testosterone, it’s said that people on the statin drugs used to control cholesterol have no libido.

Proponents of the high carb, low fat diets use the same research to support their dietary recommendations. Paleo people eliminate sugar so your body will burn fat for energy. High carb, low fat supporters , largely vegetarians and vegans, say humans aren’t efficient fat burners which is why you have to rid the body of all sugars before it starts burning fat. Even than the body is more likely to convert protein to sugar which is why the Paleo people need so much protein. Fat eaten goes straight to your fat cells. One doctor even claims to be able to tell you the type of fats you eat by taking a sample of fat from your body.

Sugar can cause inflammation but mostly it is burned up quickly for daily energy use. Except if you eat too much and then it forms triglycerides which is part of your cholesterol count and the high carb, low fat people do worry about cholesterol. So, it’s best to get your sugar from vegetables and fruit, and starches like rice and grains. Best to eat your vegetables raw. Plenty of salads.

No, says the bulletproof guru. Don’t eat your vegetables raw. They’re full of teeny-weeny invisible moulds which form toxins. You should be drinking special toxin free coffee (available from his website) with butter from grass-fed cows and special coconut oil. Most coffee is bad for you because it’s full of mouldy toxins but the good stuff turns your brain on and makes you highly effective. Though don’t drink anything after midday because your sleep is important too. Avoid nuts and always cook your vegetables. Exercise once a week lifting weights and doing interval training. Walking is certainly good for you, but seriously, it’s not really exercise.

You should eat vegan. If you want to stop cruelty to animals, giving up meat isn’t enough. Cows are kept pregnant to produce milk and then their calves are slaughtered. Often after being fed directly by the cow and allowing a mother-child bond to form. The bulletproof guy recommends colostrum supplied by the cow to the calf before its milk starts flowing so it’s safe to conclude he’s not too worried about cow happiness.

But eggs raise cholesterol, says the vegan. Eat farm fresh eggs, says the bulletproof guy. Eat cheese made from cashews, say the vegans. Avoid nuts, says the bulletproof guy.

Fast. Everybody likes fasting. Except maybe the Paleos. I haven’t seen them talking about it. Fasting causes your cells to spring clean their houses. To declutter. To die if their life has become meaningless. Your body then produces more human growth hormone which movie star use to stay young. It’s very expensive so we can’t all use it but hey, this way we can produce our own.

It’s harder for women to fast because their bodies go into famine mode and stop producing babies. Drink coffee with lots of grass-fed butter, says the bulletproof guy. As long as you don’t eat anything else, it’s still a fast.

Eat lots of vitamins. My favourite part of the vitamin movie was when the guy ate plate of vitamin C tablets. I tried that once. After twelve tablets I felt my oesophagus was filling up and my mouth would soon need a giant bottle cap.

Don’t eat cakes or cookies or drink soft drinks. They do all agree on that. Except the people who say you should eat one bad thing a day so you can feel virtuous the rest of it.