Wherever I go, I make a fuss.

I walk up the ramp slowly, me and my walker, and the attendant from the agency follows me, very close, waiting for me to fall but I don’t fall. He must be very frustrated. Such a fuss, I think. I don’t like making a fuss. We reach the stairs and he grabs the walker, lowering it the two stairs before I can figure out an alternative that doesn’t leave me dependent on him. What would I do if he suddenly vanished.

Leaving he’s there to help me too, lifting my walker and wresting it away from anyone else who has the audacity to help me, including, presumably, myself. I’m grateful for his help but where’s my independence gone. What would I do if I was suddenly left to my own devices.

I needn’t have worried. Everyone always wants to help handicapped people. It makes them feel virtuous, or maybe they just feel ‘there but for the grace of God….’ And you know the rest of it. I rely on people helping me. I buy my vegetables at a place with a staircase and every time there’s someone to help me and my walker get up and down. I’ve even worked out a way to get up, carrying my walker and dragging myself up the banister but I haven’t had to use it yet. Which is just as well because I haven’t figured out how to get down yet.

Then I asked someone for help and was refused. I’d parked my car nearby and had a road and three houses to cross when I remembered I’d taken my walker out of the car and left it loaded with groceries behind my garage. I’d expected to put my car in the garage too but after an hour of trying I gave up and parked nearby with only a road and three houses to cross.

I managed the road and two houses by myself when I spied my neighbour so I asked her for help. Why manage on your own when you can have help? She accused me of lots of things I don’t remember doing and acted like I’d shamed her in front of everyone present (there was no one but her cat which looked suitably disappointed in me). Then she went inside and shut the door and left me tottering on the sidewalk. Well, I thought, she’s not feeling important or virtuous.

I made it home without falling (I do balance exercises and yoga every morning) but my ego had taken a hit.

The world wasn’t exactly as I’d thought but I won’t make a fuss.